In Tea We Trust

Radvent 1

I’ve had a (private) blog for years over at LiveJournal, and for the last few years, my circle of friends there has really enjoyed the annual Radvent blog prompts from Princess Lasertron.  I’m going to have a go here this year.  

What is challenging you the most right now?  And how can you be grateful for it?

I don’t write about it in this space almost ever, but I have had pretty severe problems with anxiety and the resulting depression from it since I moved.  Well, that’s not really fair to say.  Actually, I have always had problems with anxiety, that I have always done a fabulous job of unhealthily ignoring, and they finally came to a head when I found myself living (trapped?  I would have said trapped before, I think) in a new country, in a difficult first year of marriage.  That’s a better picture.

I don’t write about it because I feel people have a lot of unfair bias about mental health issues, and also because there is always some helpful idiot who comes along with ridiculous advice like “just cheer up/just get out more/just have a baby.”  I know they just don’t understand the problem, but it’s really frustrating when this happens.  

On top of the challenge of just getting better, I had the added bonus challenge of being (as an immigrant) ineligible for any kind of public assistance, despite not being able to work.  We had a few lucky breaks, and I am grateful for those, because without them, we would really be in a bad position right now, instead of treading water like we are.  The NHS is a godsend and without them I wouldn’t have gotten onto an anti-anxiety drug ever (see also:  why I probably never bothered when I lived uninsured in America), but on the other hand, they are rubbish when it comes to counseling and would only pay for a short term series of cognitive behavioural therapy sessions, which I found to be completely useless.  I pay to see a more traditional talk therapist out of pocket now (with my invisible paycheck!) and it has done me a world of good.  And I guess I’m grateful to know that we can make ends meet on his paycheck alone, and that when I do get back to work, it’ll be gravy.

Here, some months later, I am feeling pretty great.  I mean, I still would say I struggle daily with anxiety, (and now with the Impending Darkness of northern european winter) but I deal with it better than I ever have before.  I went from having about five panic attacks a week to having about one panic attack every three months, and oh boy oh boy, am I grateful for that like you do not EVEN know.  I feel like I’m in control of my life again.  It’s really wonderful, and having a period where that wasn’t the case has made me stop taking a lot of things for granted, like being able to take my dog for a walk or being able to sing in a gigantic choir (two things that became impossible for me when things were at their worst.)  

But I feel really grateful that I got a chance to slow down and really take stock of all the good things I have in my life that I was temporarily missing out on.  I got to examine all of them and decide what was worth getting back to, and what it was time to let go of.  That’s something I don’t think I ever would have done if I had stated in the states, in my comfort zone.  I’m grateful for that.